I have to concede that this feels good. Really good. It's good to taste the budding success of my hard work. Those years of studying are really paying off. I'm finally here and I still have a long way to go towards the peak of my career. But I'm taking my time. I'm enjoying the ride...the journey just gets better and better.
My budding success, aside from family's and friends' support, is attributed mainly to the various situations which whipped me up into what I am when I'm dealing with stuffs. The need to prove myself for the satisfaction of me, acknowledgment of some and revenge on others, drove me hungry and relentless in the pursuit of my goal. Hold on, revenge on others?
Right. I was happy when those girls who bullied me back then during primary school actually had to turn to me for study advice during high school. Most of them are married now, to which I do feel slightly envious but not to the point of being affected. I remember each of them, what they said and how they made me feel back then. I never went as far as vowing an evil vengeance against them, I just can't bring myself to do it. But I did promise myself that one day, they will not treat me with the same courtesy as they did at that time. And now, even as I bumped into them, and even when we said nothing, I felt....satisfied because I am what I am today because of the way they made me feel last time. It would seem that I'm giving them the credit but if this is communicated to them, I doubt that being the receiver of such credit would make them feel glad.
And then there's my Form 2 History teacher who used to scold me and openly showing her preference on certain students (for very obvious reasons), never quite acknowledged me as her student (I never stood out in class and kept to myself most of the time). Later when I was given a consolation by the school for finally not wasting their time on me through my satisfactory (as they deem it to be so) SPM results (I don't really see it as an award or anything), the very same teacher actually bragged to the other teachers, about how I used to be in her class and she allegedly had something to do with my success. Bullshit.
Let's not forget the ones from my alma mater. They befriended me...welcomed me into their group and gave me hope of a possibly lasting friendship. I enjoyed a brief moment of warmth and what I would like to think until now, as an honest and sincere friendship. But in the end, perhaps due to my trying too hard to please them, I end up being used and hurt. My intention of saving a good friend from a disastrous relationship she was having with her boyfriend (who shamelessly tried to hit on me whilst his relationship with my good friend was still subsisting) at that time, had backfired me. I end up being shunned. And I did not have the strength to confront her. I endured it all until one day, a much later time towards the end of my study, she confessed that she was wrong. There were others too, who for some reasons felt that they had wronged me, confessed in an indirect way and apologized to me with teary eyes before they we all went our separate ways. And I felt....indifferent.
During those hard times, I remember a certain someone, whom I had hurt but nevertheless was kind enough to tell me:-
"Biar je...tengok je nanti diaorang kat mana and you kat mana!"
To that person, you know who you are when you read this. I thank you for forgiving me for the pain I had once caused you. And I am eternally grateful to you for being there at that time when I was at my lowest. I hope he manages to read my birthday wish within 8.11.2008. Happy 25th Birthday dear friend.
And here I am, at this moment, trying to show to the world what a victim I've been. Whining over how certain people had mistreated me, betrayed me. Indirectly trying to announce to the world at large that I'm doing well. Gladly shoving the "I was right all along" in the face of those who deserved it. Do all of these matter? What do I seek to achieve from all these?
I don't know...it just feels good to be able to talk about it here. Such valuable experiences of life, I would never trade them for anything else. In the end, it doesn't matter whether I was right or they were wrong. It doesn't matter where I am now. In fact, I've not achieved that much to entitle myself to brag. What matters most is that despite all that, I am still me. The silly, pathetic, gullible, romantic, naive me.
I survived. I believe I'm stronger now. I'm grateful. I forgave them. I forgave myself. I'm at peace.
My budding success, aside from family's and friends' support, is attributed mainly to the various situations which whipped me up into what I am when I'm dealing with stuffs. The need to prove myself for the satisfaction of me, acknowledgment of some and revenge on others, drove me hungry and relentless in the pursuit of my goal. Hold on, revenge on others?
Right. I was happy when those girls who bullied me back then during primary school actually had to turn to me for study advice during high school. Most of them are married now, to which I do feel slightly envious but not to the point of being affected. I remember each of them, what they said and how they made me feel back then. I never went as far as vowing an evil vengeance against them, I just can't bring myself to do it. But I did promise myself that one day, they will not treat me with the same courtesy as they did at that time. And now, even as I bumped into them, and even when we said nothing, I felt....satisfied because I am what I am today because of the way they made me feel last time. It would seem that I'm giving them the credit but if this is communicated to them, I doubt that being the receiver of such credit would make them feel glad.
And then there's my Form 2 History teacher who used to scold me and openly showing her preference on certain students (for very obvious reasons), never quite acknowledged me as her student (I never stood out in class and kept to myself most of the time). Later when I was given a consolation by the school for finally not wasting their time on me through my satisfactory (as they deem it to be so) SPM results (I don't really see it as an award or anything), the very same teacher actually bragged to the other teachers, about how I used to be in her class and she allegedly had something to do with my success. Bullshit.
Let's not forget the ones from my alma mater. They befriended me...welcomed me into their group and gave me hope of a possibly lasting friendship. I enjoyed a brief moment of warmth and what I would like to think until now, as an honest and sincere friendship. But in the end, perhaps due to my trying too hard to please them, I end up being used and hurt. My intention of saving a good friend from a disastrous relationship she was having with her boyfriend (who shamelessly tried to hit on me whilst his relationship with my good friend was still subsisting) at that time, had backfired me. I end up being shunned. And I did not have the strength to confront her. I endured it all until one day, a much later time towards the end of my study, she confessed that she was wrong. There were others too, who for some reasons felt that they had wronged me, confessed in an indirect way and apologized to me with teary eyes before they we all went our separate ways. And I felt....indifferent.
During those hard times, I remember a certain someone, whom I had hurt but nevertheless was kind enough to tell me:-
"Biar je...tengok je nanti diaorang kat mana and you kat mana!"
To that person, you know who you are when you read this. I thank you for forgiving me for the pain I had once caused you. And I am eternally grateful to you for being there at that time when I was at my lowest. I hope he manages to read my birthday wish within 8.11.2008. Happy 25th Birthday dear friend.
And here I am, at this moment, trying to show to the world what a victim I've been. Whining over how certain people had mistreated me, betrayed me. Indirectly trying to announce to the world at large that I'm doing well. Gladly shoving the "I was right all along" in the face of those who deserved it. Do all of these matter? What do I seek to achieve from all these?
I don't know...it just feels good to be able to talk about it here. Such valuable experiences of life, I would never trade them for anything else. In the end, it doesn't matter whether I was right or they were wrong. It doesn't matter where I am now. In fact, I've not achieved that much to entitle myself to brag. What matters most is that despite all that, I am still me. The silly, pathetic, gullible, romantic, naive me.
I survived. I believe I'm stronger now. I'm grateful. I forgave them. I forgave myself. I'm at peace.
